So here I am two hours later.
...Whatever, like you've never been addicted to anything in YOUR life because you're PERFECT!
In fact, addiction is one of my topics of discussion tonight as I introduce to you a small passion of mine: writing children's books! I've actually written two children's books in my life and have since ran out of material that's both engaging to children and not completely perverted. Today my inspiration was renewed through a few simple conversations that were exchanged at my place of work.
My manager, whom we will refer to as Bert because that's what I call him to his face and his peers and also because it's his name, and I were working in our stockroom when the following conversation occured:
Me: What's the point of making the fresh point pink if we don't get sent any pink stuff?
Bert: I think the people at the main office decide not to think about why a girl named Byrd questions everything they do.
As demeaning and unfunny as that sounds, this actually led to my uproarious and uncontrollable laughter to which Bert replied, "Uhhhh ohhh! There's the giggle!" and "Your face is getting red, Byrd!" and "Hahaha I'm pretty hilarious." and "I should do some stand-up." and "Maybe I can do some bits on the radio." and "Then maybe I can finally afford a furry steering wheel cover for my jeep."
As Bert was planning out his future in comedy stardom, a brilliant idea for a children's book was rapidly unfolding in my head and my amused laughter evolved into a maniacal cackle as I plotted for great success and possibly world domination. Or at least an award.
So without further ado, allow me to introduce the first book in my new collection:
...Ohh! Bet you weren't expecting that plot twist! I'm not as predictable as all that. And speaking of unpredictable, check out my next book:
Yes, I decided to let Bert in on my success. I feel I owe it to him since he ignited the fire of inspiration, albeit accidentally not unlike the cow that started the Great Chicago Fire.
This charming book features Bert and Jeepy and their unlikely yet enduring companionship so strong that it makes his friends and family question his sexuality. This story teaches kids that it doesn't matter who (or what) you love as long as he or she (or it) loves you in return and that true love conquers all (or is pretty frickin' weird).
And notice there's no credit for illustrations. I gathered all these pictures from stock footage and Bert's facebook page.
And what was so "unpredictable" about that? Ha! Joke's on you! It's not unpredictable, but you were predicting me to tie that book into being unpredictable but I DIDN'T! And no, I'm not just saying that because I was too lazy to try to make a conne...look free donuts!
*runs off to play the bubble spinner game*
Three and a half hours later...
Man, I really needed that fix. Now maybe I'll get an hour of sleep in tonight.
Uhh oh yeah, my third book. This one was inspired by another catchy quip that my assistant manager, Danny K. uttered (or screamed) to one of my co-workers Kendra Core as she was slicing open a cardboard box with a sharp, scary blade of doom. (Actually I can't remember what she was doing, but it was apparently pretty dangerous. Anyway.)
This, of course, teaches kids the importance of safety through our protagonist who is always finding herself in near-death situations. It covers everything from loading a shotgun to responding to an ad on Craigslist. With all the fancy and distracting technology in this day and age, safety is essential for survival and must be taught at a very young age. Or your kids will die. Plain and simple. This book may save your child's life. So buy a copy for each child you have and read it to them every night before they go to bed. Yes, every night until the information is so far ingrained in their heads that they'll dream about it. Read it to them every night until they turn 18. And start reading it to them as early as conception. In fact, as soon as your man rolls off of you and promptly falls asleep, break that bad boy out and start reading it to your vagina. Studies have shown that reading this book to freshly released sperm increases their chances of safely traveling to the fallopian tube. If you give a crap about the future of our children, you'll buy this book and read it, love it and live it! ......as soon as I write it.
Okay last one!
This one covers a more somber topic, but no less prominent in a child's life: addiction! This book features the previous book's inspiration, Danny K. and his struggles with various addictions, from Red Bulls, alcohol, heroine, Candy Crush, porn, M&Ms, Duck Dynasty...the list goes on and on....much like an addiction! Hohohoh! The sad kids will like this one and hopefully it'll put a smile on their faces and make them forget, if only for a little while, about their meth-head mom pimping them out every weekend for her drug money.
Studies also show that exposing young children to topics like meth and pimping out will better prepare them for the real world and set them up for success!
I have no evidence to back this up. Just believe me.
Well there they are, folks, my pride and joy! I'll be sure to mention you faithful readers in my acceptance speech when I win the award for Best Children's Book Ever Written by a Non-Celebrity Female Under the Age of 27. I only have a few more months left to be eligible for that award so I better get to writing. ...Although Bubble Spinner looks mighty tempti--
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