I hate this song! I haaaaaate this sooooong!

 Those who know me understand my avid love for a man named Bruce Springsteen.

Oh, you've never heard of him? Well, allow me to explain..........why you should JUMP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH BECAUSE YOU ARE A HUMILIATION TO MANKIND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS OMG WOW JUST STAHP!!!!

Anyway I'm rather fond of Bruce and his work and one would say I'm a rather faithful fan as I've traversed several hundred miles to see him perform live and have spent tens of tens of dollars on his albums and several hundred minutes waiting on illegal downloads of his other albums that I didn't want to pay for (well, there's your freebie confession!) and other such labors of love for the Boss.

But there's one particular song that I'm not too fond of. Now many of you don't know this about me, but I actually HATE one of Bruce's songs. Gasp! OMG it's true. Like not the kind of hate where I merely skip the track or change the radio station when the horrid song comes on. No. I hate this song like if I had the chance to go back in time I would choose to go to the year 1980 and find Bruce and lobotomize his brain so that all traces of cognizant memory of anything about this song would be lost forever. I'd catch any leakage of brain matter in a test tube (it wouldn't be that much because he obviously didn't put too much thought into writing it) and I would cork that shit and use my second chance to time travel and travel to 79 AD to Pompeii and hurl the tube of God-awfulness into the rolling sea of hot lava. And if I didn't get a second chance I would probably just find a decent-sized gorge and send it on a trip down there.

You're probably thinking "Jeez, Forks, what Bruce Springsteen song could possibly make you feel so strongly? And why wouldn't you save all those people in Pompeii drowning in lava while you're destroying a vial of Bruce's brain matter?"

To that I respond: "The River!" and "I don't want to change the course of history too much to hurtle the world into unknown chaos. Although if I do see some pitiful people within reach, I may save a few of them if I knew there wouldn't be any repercussions leading to a time-space-continuum disaster."

Yes, folks, "The River." I can't fucking STAND "The River!" It's the epitome of horribleness. It's like the one horrible mistake we all make and are not proud of but there it is! We all have made that one mistake. Ted Kennedy's was letting that girl drown after he drunk drove his car into a river. Ronald Reagan's was the Iran-Contra affair. God's was allowing the birth of Adolf Hitler. Bruce Springsteen's was writing "The River."

 You're probably thinking "It can't be that  bad!"

I say, "It is."

You're probably thinking "Oh. Well. Okay."

The basic premise of this heartland emo song is this dude whining about how much his life sucks. That's it. Just whine, whine, whine, whine, life is hard, whine, whine, down to the river, whine, whine, I can't find a job, whine, whine, my life sucks, whine, whine, river, whine, economy, whine, WHINE!

Even his harmonica is whiny. It's like it's in pain for having to be a part of this song.

You may be thinking, "But Forkie, 90% of Springsteen's songs are about people whining about how much their lives suck!" To you I say, "False! Springsteen usually laments in his songs. In "The River" he is whining like a pathetic bitch.

 And it's not even a good reason. It's not like "I'm stuck with this low-paying job because I can't leave my starving family." It's more like "My life is hard and it sucks here but I don't even want to try to find anything better because waaaah!!!"

Later on in the song he sings (whines) about getting his girlfriend pregnant and having to get married and then bitches about THAT! Really, dude? What were you expecting? You should've put on one or pulled out, then you wouldn't have to complain about how there were "no wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle, no flowers, no wedding dress." But go ahead and just whine about how it's the economy's fault. That's really productive.

And apparently the only thing this guy can work is construction. Even though there are probably tons of jobs elsewhere, he insists on sticking around his piss-poor valley where he dives into the river every other Tuesday to stew about how his dreams have been washed away. Maybe he should just drive his car into the river so nobody has to hear him complain about being a loser ever again.

You're probably thinking, "........Jeez."

And for whatever reason, people LOVE this song! They don't realize it's the anthem for lazy, helpless hillfolk who refuse to better their lives. They also don't know that if they listen to it too much, they'll become just like the guy in the song! Turn back, people! Don't get sucked in to the suck! Stay in school!

I guess instead of ranting about how much I hate this song, I should conclude this blog with the things I enjoy.

.....

..............

Um.

......

.....................................

Okay fine! I hate everything!

No. Not everything. One thing I do enjoy is re-writing lyrics. Here's my version of "The River" which is 145 times better than Bruce's original. Enjoy.

I come from down in the shithole valley, where Mr. Whenyoureyoung
Was my art teacher who told me
do like your daddy done
Me and Mary we met in high school, after I failed English [Mary and I]
We'd ride out of that valley down to where we could do all the drugs we wanted

We'd go down to the river
Even though we left the valley [he failed geography too]
Oh down to the river we'd do hor-r-r-ible things

Then I got Mary pregnant, and that was the economy's fault
And for my nineteenth birthday I didn't get the car I wanted
We went down to the courthouse
Waaaaah I couldn't afford a condom!
No wedding day smiles no walk down the aisle
My life sure does suck a fat bitch

That night we went down to the river
She said "Well this honeymoon sucks!"
Oh down to the river wah wah wah wah

I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company
But lately there ain't been much work on account of the economy
Have I mentioned my life sucks?
Well mister I'll tell you one more time
Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!

But I remember being a reckless teenager
And then every adult ruined my life
At night I would dream of becoming a construction worker
At least that came true
But everything else went to shit
I can't believe you read this far, haven't you given up yet?
It sends you down to the river where you want to promptly drown
Down to the river you'll end your misery
Down to the river, why are you still reading?
Down to the river, now go listen to Racing in the Street!

I'm in a video with Bruce Springsteen. No for real! AAAHHH!!!

Don't believe me, bitches? Look for the red exit sign in the entry between the horns section and the piano (the right-most one) See the red exit sign? Look to the right of that at the giant green blob dancing and clapping like a doofus. That's ME! I am indeed dancing in the dark trying  to start a fire without a spark. During the times I'm not clapping along like a seal, I'm recording the song with my flip phone. Ohhh yeah I bet you're jealous. I would be too because flip phones are the shit.

The most magical moment is at 2:07 when Bruce turns to me and I wave at him and he waves back! HE WAVES BACK AT ME!!!! Or he could've possibly been waving at the guy with the Greetings From Asbury Park towel...but still pretty damn close and OMG I LOVE YOUTUBE AND TECHNOLOGY AND BEING ABLE TO RELISH IN  THIS OTHERWISE EMBARRASSING DISCOVERY OF UTMOST BUFFOONERY!!!!11!11one







EDIT: If you feel ambitious enough to watch the whole video, at 3:29 Bruce encourages anarchy as he yells at crazed fans who had climbed on top of an island and started dancing and security was pushing them off. Bruce yells "Keep going! Don't pay any attention to that guy. Fuck him!" which I'm sure the security guy appreciated.

Google Maps challenge!

We've all googled ourselves.


...


...Perverts.

We've all ran a search for our name through www.google.com. But that's so 2002. You should try to find yourselves on Google Maps! I found myself on both the street view AND the satellite view. ...Okay I found Cornelia. My car. Yes. I named my car. Problem?

Anyway here she is

at my then boyfriend's/now husband's/future crime-fighting partner's house. Obviously taken a long-ass time ago. Not obvious to you. Only obvious to me.

Uh and yes, I did give her a gender. She's a female. Problem?

And here she is

at my second home, AKA my job where I reside during the one third of my life when I'm not sleeping or sitting at home thinking about sleeping. No shocker that I found myself there. Not surprising, yet immensely depressing.

Your turn!

Some reading material for the kiddos

Okay here's the truth. I have actually been waiting all day long to sit and write this blog. So after a long day of work and coming home only to wait even longer in the bathroom until the sound of the husband's snores shook the house, I was FINALLY able to get some time alone at the computer to type...and then I saw the bubble spinner game still open on one of my tabs. If I told you I closed out the tab and began blogging immediately, I'd be a dirty liar.

So here I am two hours later.

...Whatever, like you've never been addicted to anything in YOUR life because you're PERFECT!

In fact, addiction is one of my topics of discussion tonight as I introduce to you a small passion of mine: writing children's books! I've actually written two children's books in my life and have since ran out of material that's both engaging to children and not completely perverted. Today my inspiration was renewed through a few simple conversations that were exchanged at my place of work.

My manager, whom we will refer to as Bert because that's what I call him to his face and his peers and also because it's his name, and I were working in our stockroom when the following conversation occured:

Me: What's the point of making the fresh point pink if we don't get sent any pink stuff?
Bert: I think the people at the main office decide not to think about why a girl named Byrd questions everything they do.

As demeaning and unfunny as that sounds, this actually led to my uproarious and uncontrollable laughter to which Bert replied, "Uhhhh ohhh! There's the giggle!" and "Your face is getting red, Byrd!" and "Hahaha I'm pretty hilarious." and "I should do some stand-up." and "Maybe I can do some bits on the radio." and "Then maybe I can finally afford a furry steering wheel cover for my jeep."

As Bert was planning out his future in comedy stardom, a brilliant idea for a children's book was rapidly unfolding in my head and my amused laughter evolved into a maniacal cackle as I plotted for great success and possibly world domination. Or at least an award.

 So without further ado, allow me to introduce the first book in my new collection:

 The plot follows a young girl named Byrd who is plagued with a curious and rare birth defect resulting from her mother becoming too affectionate with her pet pigeon. Of course this abnormality renders Byrd an outcast and an undesirable friend for the human race...but what about the avian species? Read about Byrd's quest to find belonging among her feathered friends and find out what it takes to become the greatest day trader on Wall Street.

...Ohh! Bet you weren't expecting that plot twist! I'm not as predictable as all that. And speaking of unpredictable, check out my next book:

 Yes, I decided to let Bert in on my success. I feel I owe it to him since he ignited the fire of inspiration, albeit accidentally not unlike the cow that started the Great Chicago Fire.

This charming book features Bert and Jeepy and their unlikely yet enduring companionship so strong that it makes his friends and family question his sexuality. This story teaches kids that it doesn't matter who (or what) you love as long as he or she (or it) loves you in return and that true love conquers all (or is pretty frickin' weird).

And notice there's no credit for illustrations. I gathered all these pictures from stock footage and Bert's facebook page.

And what was so "unpredictable" about that? Ha! Joke's on you! It's not unpredictable, but you were predicting me to tie that book into being unpredictable but I DIDN'T! And no, I'm not just saying that because I was too lazy to try to make a conne...look free donuts!

*runs off to play the bubble spinner game*

Three and a half hours later...

Man, I really needed that fix. Now maybe I'll get an hour of sleep in tonight.

Uhh oh yeah, my third book. This one was inspired by another catchy quip that my assistant manager, Danny K. uttered (or screamed) to one of my co-workers Kendra Core as she was slicing open a cardboard box with a sharp, scary blade of doom. (Actually I can't remember what she was doing, but it was apparently pretty dangerous. Anyway.)

This, of course, teaches kids the importance of safety through our protagonist who is always finding herself in near-death situations. It covers everything from loading a shotgun to responding to an ad on Craigslist. With all the fancy and distracting technology in this day and age, safety is essential for survival and must be taught at a very young age. Or your kids will die. Plain and simple. This book may save your child's  life. So buy a copy for each child you have and read it to them every night before they go to bed. Yes, every night until the information is so far ingrained in their heads that they'll dream about it. Read it to them every night until they turn 18. And start reading it to them as early as conception. In fact, as soon as your man rolls off of you and promptly falls asleep, break that bad boy out and start reading it to your vagina. Studies have shown that reading this book to freshly released sperm increases their chances of safely traveling to the fallopian tube. If you give a crap about the future of our children, you'll buy this book and read it, love it and live it! ......as soon as I write it.

Okay last one!

This one covers a more somber topic, but no less prominent in a child's life: addiction! This book features the previous book's inspiration, Danny K. and his struggles with various addictions, from Red Bulls, alcohol, heroine, Candy Crush, porn, M&Ms, Duck Dynasty...the list goes on and on....much like an addiction! Hohohoh! The sad kids will like this one and hopefully it'll put a smile on their faces and make them forget, if only for a little while, about their meth-head mom pimping them out every weekend for her drug money.

Studies also show that exposing young children to topics like meth and pimping out will better prepare them for the real world and set them up for success!

I have no evidence to back this up. Just believe me.

Well there they are, folks, my pride and joy! I'll be sure to mention you faithful readers in my acceptance speech when I win the award for Best Children's Book Ever Written by a Non-Celebrity Female Under the Age of 27. I only have a few more months left to be eligible for that award so I better get to writing. ...Although Bubble Spinner looks mighty tempti--

Confession Friday: Second Installment

Why, yes I AM aware that it's Saturday and not Friday, but dammit I don't want to wait another week to write horrible confessions! If it will ease your obsessive compulsiveness I'll refer to this edition to "Saturday Sins". Happy now?

1. I judge people who have atrocious grammar. Like "Oh that guy must not have gotten enough breast milk" or "Well she obviously grew up without a father" and sometimes "He must be from Nampa."

2. I don't and pretty much never have eaten cereal with milk because soggy cereal is the worst food consistency next to five week-old bananas. Yes, I have eaten a five week-old banana. Imagine a bowl of banana-flavored water-logged Cheerios with fruit flies buzzing up your nostrils.

3. There's a long corridor at my place of work and I will dive for the drinking fountain and take an unnecessary drink just to avoid having to awkwardly pass somebody. And depending on the timing of their walk down the hallway, I'll suck water for up to 45 seconds. I should just learn to say hello.

......,.Nah!! Besides I need water to survive.

That's all the shamefulness for this week. Enjoy your squishy Wheaties.

2013: The Year That Was

Every New Year's Eve it seems I wait til the last possible minute to reflect on the past 365 days and by the time I come up with some profound recap of the year it's suddenly the next year and I have to start all over again. Well this year I only waited until the last possible hour so here is my first official reflection of the grand year of 2013!

I didn't die.

Thanks for reading!



Okay fine. I'll be a little more specific.

I didn't die and I still have my same car.

Happy New Year!!




What, you want MORE? Fine!!

Well, I honestly can't recall anything from the beginning of the year to about the middle of March. My life consisted of eating, working and planning my upcoming wedding. Pretty boring stuff.

Then came our trip to China. After stalking deals on Groupon, Adam stumbled upon a deal for a ten-day adventure to everybody's favorite communist country that we couldn't possibly pass up! Well, I guess we could've but then I wouldn't have been able to provide you these glorious pictures!

From top to bottom (Because any other order is just not practical):

1. Us hanging out with Mao at Tiananmen Square
2. Adam enjoying a delectable fried scorpion (we were on a bike tour; he doesn't always just wear a helmet around)
3. An upscale Chinese toilet AKA a squatty potty (BYOTP)
4. Lol phallic object
5. I guess I should put up a pic of us at the Great Wall to show you we did more than eat scorpions and use the bathrooms
6. Us gazing at the magnificence of the Terra Cotta Warriors exhibit before we were promptly crowded out by the other 1.1 billion people who wanted to see them

And moving on!

In April Adam received an acceptance letter from Boise State saying he had been accepted into the Graduate program. He then received another letter from them saying that he wasn't chosen for a fancy scholarship that would pay for his entire two years of grad school. He then received ANOTHER letter that basically said "Jk we do want you to have it. Lol love BSU." So hooray for free school!

In May I was stressed and frantic with my wedding a mere one month away and along comes a job opening for a promotion that I had been wanting for quite some time. I applied for it, interviewed and one glorious day received a phone call from my district manager who was calling to congratulate me on getting passed over and that the position was given to someone else.

...Adam also had a birthday that month.

So after that piece of disappointment pie, I bounced back and had an epic high school reunion followed by a bachelorette party that wasn't too shameful followed by...a massive hangover. Followed by a nervous morning during which I ate a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats and watched like five episodes of Arrested Development which was of course followed by...

Of course our wedding was postponed because a certain somebody decided to forget the marriage license in our file cabinet at our house that was 14 miles away. Hohohohohoh *twitch*

A fancy honeymoon cruise to Alaska followed that and let me just say, we rocked that boat real good.

And we saw some bald eagles which was pretty cool.

Upon my return to work after the boat-rocking, bald eagle-filled honeymoon of delight, my manager marches up to me one morning and shakes my hand saying, "Congratulations!" "I got married like three weeks ago, doofus," I thought. He continued: "You got that promotion!" It seems an unforeseen series of events occurred in my place of work resulting in me getting that promotion I was initially denied. I suppose sloppy seconds is better than nothing at all. ...I'm not totally sure I even used the term "sloppy seconds" properly but...meh.

July was hot and weird as I transferred to my new store as a manager. I also managed not to get sunburned too badly.

In September, thanks to our good friend, Nathan, we got to miss out on the first half of a Penn and Teller show in Wendover. Thanks, Nathan! However we did get to get pictures with them.

And the rest of the year is kind of a blur to me. All I know is that I managed to lose 15 pounds and quit Facebook. Two great accomplishments if I do say so myself.

Well I hope I didn't make you guys jealous of my year. I'm sure yours was just as eventful and memorable as mine. And if it wasn't, in a few minutes you can get a head start on outdoing me. Good luck and may the best memory-maker win.

Confession Friday: First Installment

Hello.

I've decided to make a segment on everybody's favorite day of the week in which I admit to horribly embarrassing things that will hopefully entertain you and appreciate my flaws. And hopefully not hate me. Or turn me in to the police.

I'll start with just a few this week. Also I probably won't be doing this every Friday. Trust me, I have plenty of material, I just have something else going on besides this blog. Perhaps you've herard if it... A life. It involves me working a job and going outdoors. Yeah, it's really time consuming and frankly I'd rather not do it. But! I gots to pay mah billz.

Well then, let's confess things.

-I haven't shaved my legs in about five weeks and they look very sasquatchy.

-When I was a wee child I didn't want to poot in the cold because I thought it would show up as a cloud like your breath does. I never found out if that's even false so I still try not to do it in the cold. Who wants to have a poot cloud billowing out of their pants for everyone to see? Not me!

-This is probably the ninth or tenth Friday since I decided to start a Confession Friday. I've just been too lazy/self-conscious of what to share. (Awwww)

-I'm currently typing this while sitting on the toilet. Like I went to pee and thought "This would make a good Confession Friday confession if I typed the whole thing from here. I should really start up with that because who knows when the next Friday is going to come."

And that's all for this week. I'm going to get up and wipe and flush.