Those who know me understand my avid love for a man named Bruce Springsteen.
Oh, you've never heard of him? Well, allow me to explain..........why you should JUMP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH BECAUSE YOU ARE A HUMILIATION TO MANKIND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS OMG WOW JUST STAHP!!!!
Anyway I'm rather fond of Bruce and his work and one would say I'm a rather faithful fan as I've traversed several hundred miles to see him perform live and have spent tens of tens of dollars on his albums and several hundred minutes waiting on illegal downloads of his other albums that I didn't want to pay for (well, there's your freebie confession!) and other such labors of love for the Boss.
But there's one particular song that I'm not too fond of. Now many of you don't know this about me, but I actually HATE one of Bruce's songs. Gasp! OMG it's true. Like not the kind of hate where I merely skip the track or change the radio station when the horrid song comes on. No. I hate this song like if I had the chance to go back in time I would choose to go to the year 1980 and find Bruce and lobotomize his brain so that all traces of cognizant memory of anything about this song would be lost forever. I'd catch any leakage of brain matter in a test tube (it wouldn't be that much because he obviously didn't put too much thought into writing it) and I would cork that shit and use my second chance to time travel and travel to 79 AD to Pompeii and hurl the tube of God-awfulness into the rolling sea of hot lava. And if I didn't get a second chance I would probably just find a decent-sized gorge and send it on a trip down there.
You're probably thinking "Jeez, Forks, what Bruce Springsteen song could possibly make you feel so strongly? And why wouldn't you save all those people in Pompeii drowning in lava while you're destroying a vial of Bruce's brain matter?"
To that I respond: "The River!" and "I don't want to change the course of history too much to hurtle the world into unknown chaos. Although if I do see some pitiful people within reach, I may save a few of them if I knew there wouldn't be any repercussions leading to a time-space-continuum disaster."
Yes, folks, "The River." I can't fucking STAND "The River!" It's the epitome of horribleness. It's like the one horrible mistake we all make and are not proud of but there it is! We all have made that one mistake. Ted Kennedy's was letting that girl drown after he drunk drove his car into a river. Ronald Reagan's was the Iran-Contra affair. God's was allowing the birth of Adolf Hitler. Bruce Springsteen's was writing "The River."
You're probably thinking "It can't be that bad!"
I say, "It is."
You're probably thinking "Oh. Well. Okay."
The basic premise of this heartland emo song is this dude whining about how much his life sucks. That's it. Just whine, whine, whine, whine, life is hard, whine, whine, down to the river, whine, whine, I can't find a job, whine, whine, my life sucks, whine, whine, river, whine, economy, whine, WHINE!
Even his harmonica is whiny. It's like it's in pain for having to be a part of this song.
You may be thinking, "But Forkie, 90% of Springsteen's songs are about
people whining about how much their lives suck!" To you I say, "False!
Springsteen usually laments in his songs. In "The River" he is whining like a pathetic bitch.
And it's not even a good reason. It's not like "I'm stuck with this low-paying job because I can't leave my starving family." It's more like "My life is hard and it sucks here but I don't even want to try to find anything better because waaaah!!!"
Later on in the song he sings (whines) about getting his girlfriend pregnant and having to get married and then bitches about THAT! Really, dude? What were you expecting? You should've put on one or pulled out, then you wouldn't have to complain about how there were "no wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle, no flowers, no wedding dress." But go ahead and just whine about how it's the economy's fault. That's really productive.
And apparently the only thing this guy can work is construction. Even though there are probably tons of jobs elsewhere, he insists on sticking around his piss-poor valley where he dives into the river every other Tuesday to stew about how his dreams have been washed away. Maybe he should just drive his car into the river so nobody has to hear him complain about being a loser ever again.
You're probably thinking, "........Jeez."
And for whatever reason, people LOVE this song! They don't realize it's the anthem for lazy, helpless hillfolk who refuse to better their lives. They also don't know that if they listen to it too much, they'll become just like the guy in the song! Turn back, people! Don't get sucked in to the suck! Stay in school!
I guess instead of ranting about how much I hate this song, I should conclude this blog with the things I enjoy.
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..............
Um.
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Okay fine! I hate everything!
No. Not everything. One thing I do enjoy is re-writing lyrics. Here's my version of "The River" which is 145 times better than Bruce's original. Enjoy.
I come from down in the shithole valley, where Mr. Whenyoureyoung
Was my art teacher who told me
do like your daddy done
Me and Mary we met in high school, after I failed English [Mary and I]
We'd ride out of that valley down to where we could do all the drugs we wanted
We'd go down to the river
Even though we left the valley [he failed geography too]
Oh down to the river we'd do hor-r-r-ible things
Then I got Mary pregnant, and that was the economy's fault
And for my nineteenth birthday I didn't get the car I wanted
We went down to the courthouse
Waaaaah I couldn't afford a condom!
No wedding day smiles no walk down the aisle
My life sure does suck a fat bitch
That night we went down to the river
She said "Well this honeymoon sucks!"
Oh down to the river wah wah wah wah
I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company
But lately there ain't been much work on account of the economy
Have I mentioned my life sucks?
Well mister I'll tell you one more time
Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!
But I remember being a reckless teenager
And then every adult ruined my life
At night I would dream of becoming a construction worker
At least that came true
But everything else went to shit
I can't believe you read this far, haven't you given up yet?
It sends you down to the river where you want to promptly drown
Down to the river you'll end your misery
Down to the river, why are you still reading?
Down to the river, now go listen to Racing in the Street!
