Working Retail Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

Have you ever been in a hospital watching someone wearing medical scrubs perform open-heart surgery on a patient and asked yourself, "I wonder if that guy is a doctor. I'll ask him."

Neither have I!

You know why? Because that's a stupid-ass question that you shouldn't even ask! Especially during an open-heart surgery. Like...what are you even DOING in that operating room? Who let you in?

This is an example of how dumb people are the moment they cross the threshold from the outside world into my place of work. It's like there's an invisible force field that doesn't permit brains to enter the premises and customers bodies pass through with all internal organs intact (except sometimes their bladders) while their brains fall plap on the concrete outside.

Don't believe me? Hear these tales of woe that I'm sure any human who has worked more than 72 hours in retail can attest to:

1. When a customer looks at you as you're dressed in full uniform, company gadgets attached to your person as you're doing something that only employees have any business doing (stocking shelves, running a cash register, etc.) and the customer asks, "Do you work here?" Probably the most dumbfounding, yet the most common of all derpy-headed idiotic utterances. Because of its commonality, however, I am convinced that there must be little imposter employees that lurk around the store dressed like they work there, tricking customers by leading them to the wrong product and scrambling signs. This must be the case, because nobody is that dumb.

2. When a customer approaches you with an item off of a rack and says, "This is just so confusing and it's really hurting my brain to try to figure this out so I was hoping you could help me with this before I just kill myself out of frustration and lack of understanding...how much is this item?" At this point, you must use your finger to point to the sign on the rack where the item was pulled off from. Often times you have to read the numbers and words really slow so you don't overwhelm them with too much information. Sometimes if they can repeat it back to me without making any mistakes, I reward them with a graham cracker.

3. When it's time for a customer to pay for their purchases and they approach the cashier who is standing at their register with the light on and a red carpet rolled out for the customer to approach, and they ask, "Are you open?" Bonus points awarded if the customer follows up with, "Do you work here?"

4. When a customer does this shit

Really now, do these people insert food into their asses and try to shit out their mouths? If you know anyone who does this, please murder them and any offspring they may have immediately.

5. When a customer who is in fact NOT legally blind or even illegally blind asks you where something is when they're standing right. In front. Of it.

The list could literally, not figuratively, go on and on. Moral of the story? Be a fireman.

Here's something to end on a positive note and to restore your faith in the human race: