I don't want kids.
Shut up. Let me finish.
I don't want kids. I don't care for kids. I can't see myself having kids. I am pretty sure if I become pregnant I'll promptly and swiftly end my life. I have a very strong opinion about kids and why I don't want them. As such, I get very passionate when other people try to tell me that I'm wrong and I actually don't know what I want out of my life and that I have no idea what I'm talking about. So maybe instead of reading this as a rant, maybe take it as a list of very detailed, passionate instructions for those of you who don't already know about my decision.
I'll make this simple and structured. Here's a list of things you shouldn't say to me.
1. "Well, that's very selfish of you."
Why? Since when is making a life decision being selfish? That's like telling someone who is applying for a higher paying job that they're being selfish.Also I think not having a desire to make a mini clone of yourself so you can prime it to be the best thing this world ever saw is the opposite of selfish.
2. "I didn't think I wanted kids when I was your age either."
Yeah, I'm not you. And don't say "either" like you know me. In fact, don't even say any of this. We are all different. Whatever worked for you won't necessarily work for me. Maybe you were scared of having kids and you didn't think you could live up to society's expectations of being a good parent. Then you overcame your fear. Me? I just don't want them. The end.
3. "You'll change your mind."
Oh, I wasn't aware I was talking to a being from the future! Tell me what else I'm going to do five years from now! Also fuck you.
...Okay, that was a little harsh. Please go fuck yourself. Better?
And perhaps a nicer way to say this is instead saying "Maybe you'll change your mind" rather than being so definite about it. Yes, I will concede that. Maybe I will change my mind about reproducing. Just like I may change my mind about liking Bruce Springsteen music or what gender I want to be for the rest of my life. It's a possibility, albeit highly unlikely. Thanks.
4. "Don't your parents want grandchildren?"
I'm pretty sure my parents had a hard enough time raising three hellions of their own, so why would they possibly want to put themselves through it for another 18 years? I guess I can see the appeal in watching me try (and probably fail) to raise a child. Witnessing the struggle, the frustration, the agony. The regret. The poop. "Mom, Dad, help me!" I'd scream from the abyss of vomit and toys, reaching desperately for their hand as they laugh, eating popcorn...laughing...
No.
5. "Who will take care of you when you're old and senile?"
The same people who would probably take care of me if I chose to have kids: the good ol' government!
6. "You'll regret it when you're 40."
Yes, I'll definitely regret my early retirement and tight vagina. What have I done??!
7. "Well, that's not fair to your husband."
Wow, okay if you think he married me knowing full well what I didn't want and he's just waiting for me to change my mind for him, then he deserves to be disappointed. In other words, NEITHER OF US WANT KIDS!
8. "But Disneyland..."
Is open to adults too.
9. "Just watch. You'll get pregnant someday and you'll fall in love with your baby and you'll want more and then I'll say I told you so!"
Yeah, funny. Watch out for that bear next to you.
